If You Are a Leader, Stop Doing These 4 Things

Leadership isn’t just about strategy, vision, and results. It’s about the experience people have when working with you. It’s about the micro moments that either build trust or chip away at it. And sometimes, the things leaders say without thinking are the very things that undermine their culture.

If you are a leader, here are four things to stop doing immediately and what to do instead.

1. Stop Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This phrase might sound polite, but let’s be honest: it’s passive aggressive. It’s dismissive. And it places the problem not on the situation or the behavior, but on the other person’s emotions.

Here’s why it doesn’t work:
• It signals you’re not taking responsibility.
• It minimizes the person’s experience.
• It feels rehearsed, not genuine.
• It keeps the power in your hands, not the relationship.

A real apology acknowledges impact, not just feelings.

What to do instead:
Say: “Thank you for telling me. I hear you. Here’s what I’m going to take responsibility for…”
Or: “I didn’t intend that impact, but I can see how it landed. Let’s talk about it.”

Ownership builds trust. Deflection breaks it.

2. Stop Asking the Woman in the Room to Take Notes

Sorry men, this one is pointed at you.

If you’re wondering whether you do this… you probably do. And you’re not alone. This habit shows up everywhere: corporate boardrooms, nonprofit committees, coaching staffs, advisory groups.

Even unintentionally, it reinforces an outdated stereotype that women are default administrators while men lead the discussion.

And here’s the truth:
• We have AI transcription tools.
• We have meeting bots.
• We have shared digital docs.
• We have voice notes.

There is absolutely no reason to assign the only woman (or one of few) a task that historically has been placed on women by default.

What to do instead:
• Assign note taking on a rotating basis.
• Use AI or transcription tools to capture meeting summaries.
• Ask for volunteers before the meeting begins.
• Better yet, take turns yourself.

Inclusion isn’t an idea. It’s a practice.

3. Stop Telling Your Team to “Have Thick Skin”

We are not robots.
We are not emotionless operators.
We are humans who care deeply about our work.

“Have thick skin” is often code for:
• “Don’t react to poor communication.”
• “Accept criticism, even if it’s delivered badly.”
• “Absorb stress quietly.”
• “Ignore the emotional impact of leadership.”

This phrase trains people to disconnect from themselves and disconnect from you.

What you really want isn’t thick skin. It’s resilience, emotional regulation, confidence, and openness. Those things don’t grow when people are told to harden. They grow when people feel psychologically safe.

What to do instead:
Say:
• “Let’s talk about how to separate feedback from identity.”
• “How can I deliver feedback in a way that supports you?”
• “Your emotions are valid. Let’s channel them productively.”

Safety builds stronger teams than toughness ever will.

4. Stop Saying “Don’t Take Things Personally.”

This one cuts deep.
Because for many people, their work is personal.

We work in roles we care about.
We invest time, energy, heart, creativity.
We want things to succeed because we believe in them.

To tell someone “don’t take it personally” is to tell them to detach from the very passion that makes them great at what they do.

Here’s why this phrase fails:
• It minimizes pride and emotional investment.
• It implies caring is a flaw instead of a strength.
• It shields the leader from accountability for tone or delivery.

What to do instead:
Say:
• “I can see you care a lot about this. That’s a strength.”
• “Let’s separate the intention from the impact and talk through it.”
• “Here’s the feedback. Let’s work on it together.”

People don’t want to care less. They want to be supported better.

The Leadership Upgrade: What to Do Moving Forward

Here’s the simple framework to improve every one of these behaviors:

Lead with accountability, not defensiveness.
Own your part first. It disarms tension immediately.

Choose language that honors humanity, not hierarchy.
Your tone teaches your culture.

Create psychological safety every chance you get.
People who feel safe perform better, period.

Replace outdated leadership habits with intentional practices.
Take notes collaboratively.
Deliver feedback with care.
Validate feelings.
Center impact, not ego.

If you want to elevate your culture, start with these four shifts. They seem small, but they change everything, the way people trust you, follow you, and stay with you.

Leadership isn’t about being in charge. It’s about how people feel when you are.