Why You Keep Saying Yes When You Want to Say No: Overcommitment, Shadow Work, and the Real Reason We Stay Busy
If you’ve ever found yourself drowning in commitments you never actually wanted, you’re not alone. On Women In…, my conversation with Sarah Bolor cracked open a truth many high-achieving women quietly carry: we don’t just overcommit because we’re busy — we overcommit because we’re conditioned to.
And then, in a separate conversation, Brigitta Dau introduced me to the deeper layer beneath that habit: the shadows we don’t want to look at, the parts of ourselves we’ve tucked away, and the belief systems running the show behind our “yes.”
When you put these two conversations together, something real happens. You start to see that overcommitment isn’t simply a scheduling problem. It’s a self-worth problem. A visibility problem. A shadow problem.
And the solution isn’t just time management. It’s truth management.
Let’s break this down.
Overcommitment: The Polished Word for “I Don’t Want to Disappoint Anyone”
Sarah Bolor defined overcommitment in a way that hit me square in the chest:
Overcommitment is saying yes out of obligation instead of alignment.
And if we’re honest, most of our yeses fall into one of these categories:
• I don’t want to let them down.
• I don’t want them to think I’m not helpful.
• I don’t want to look like I can’t handle it.
• I don’t want to miss out.
• I don’t want the discomfort of saying no.
Notice the pattern?
Every single reason centers around someone else’s perception — not your truth.
Sarah shared something powerful: “Every time we overcommit, we undercommit to ourselves.” Which means your calendar isn’t full because you’re indispensable. It’s full because you’re afraid of what happens when you stop proving your worth.
And that is where Brigitta Dau’s shadow work comes in.
Shadow Work: The Parts of Yourself You’ve Been Avoiding Are Running the Show
Brigitta explained shadow work as:
A process of bringing awareness to the parts of ourselves we’ve rejected, denied, or hidden.
Not the glamorous parts.
Not the LinkedIn-ready parts.
Not the “I’ve got it all together” parts.
But the parts we don’t want anyone to see:
• the fear of being disliked
• the guilt of prioritizing ourselves
• the belief that we have to work twice as hard to be worthy
• the worry that we’ll be forgotten if we don’t stay visible
• the anxiety that “no” equals failure
Most of us think our shadow is dark or dramatic — but here’s the twist:
Sometimes the shadow is the part of you that wants rest, space, ease, or boundaries… but you’ve been taught she’s selfish.
When Brigitta said, “Your shadow isn’t dangerous. It’s just the part of you that’s tired of being ignored,” I felt that.
Because how many times do we say yes to avoid looking selfish, when the real shadow is that we don’t believe we deserve the same care we give to everyone else?
Where These Two Worlds Meet: Why You Can’t Stop Saying Yes
Here’s the intersection:
Overcommitment is a behavior.
Shadow work reveals the belief that drives it.
You don’t say yes because your schedule can handle it.
You say yes because your shadow is whispering:
• “If you say no, they’ll choose someone else.”
• “If you don’t help, you’re not valuable.”
• “If you rest, you’re falling behind.”
• “If you set boundaries, they’ll think you’re difficult.”
Our “yes” is rarely about the request in front of us.
It’s about the part of us we’re scared to confront.
Sarah gave us the tools to assert boundaries.
Brigitta gave us the insight to understand why boundaries feel so threatening.
Together, they give us permission to stop abandoning ourselves in the name of being liked, useful, or impressive.
So How Do You Break the Cycle?
Here’s where their advice overlaps beautifully:
1. Pause before responding
Sarah teaches the power of the pause. Don’t answer on the spot. Don’t explain. Just breathe.
2. Ask: “What part of me is saying yes?”
Brigitta’s shadow work invites us to go deeper. Is this a yes or is this fear?
3. Choose the aligned no
Not a defensive no. Not a guilt-soaked no. But a grounded no that honors your energy, values, and capacity.
4. Let the shadow speak
What is it trying to protect? What is it afraid of? You don’t have to fix it — just acknowledge it.
5. Create space for what actually matters
Every no is a yes to something else: your peace, your purpose, your wellbeing.
Your Overcommitment Is Not a Time Problem — It’s a Truth Problem
This is the heart of what I learned interviewing these two brilliant women:
When you stop overcommitting, you stop performing and start living.
When you do shadow work, you stop reacting and start choosing.
And when you combine them?
You finally step out of the exhausting cycle of proving, pleasing, hustling, and holding it all together — and into a life that feels honest, grounded, and fully your own.
